how do you nurture your child’s confidence?
As a parent and someone who works with children and adults daily, I am see the effects of poor confidence and self-esteem everyday. Unfortunately, everyone has a distorted view of what they are capable of. Our negative emotions like fear get in the way of us truly exploring our potential.
The causes of negativity and low confidence that I see with children are a direct result of them “looking for attention” of any kind from parents, loved ones or authority figures and teachers like myself. They are just screaming for attention that’s all but it is expressed in a way that is not healthy for the child or caretaker.
I spend a great deal of time reassuring children that they can do it and that fear is ok as long as they know that it is a “feeling” and not reflective of their true capabilities. This dialogue along with exercises that directly confront a child’s fears or low confidence seems to help them process and learn to dismiss the negativity that they feel.
An example of an exercise that I use in my small group classes for kids is jumping over a small barrier. The goal for the child is to lift their legs and land as softly and under control. Many kids are initially react with fear and doubt but soon realize after trying that they are able to jump much higher than they thought. I use strategically placed mats to cushion the fall but not so soft as provide them with a measure of biofeedback and knowledge that they must execute a proper jump or fall on a semi-soft floor.
I’ve read that keeping kids too safe is detrimental to their development and I would have to agree. However, by the same token the balance of Risk to Reward for teaching kids confidence is a fine balancing act that takes a real presence of mind and focus on the part of parents, teachers and trainers.
I encountered a nice list of things that parents can do to help children (even themselves!) nurture confidence below. It is derived from the Centre for Confidence and Well-Being Website. The Centre is located in Scotland and founded by Carol Craig.
10 things parents can do to nurture their child’s confidence
The following is the Centre’s advice to parents on children’s confidence. This is based on our extensive research. If you want to read more about the thinking and research underlying this advice, consult one of the next sections for other things to read.
1. Give your children lots of unqualified love and affection. Don’t let them think that your love is conditional on how they perform or how successful they are.
2. Don’t think you need to go over the top with praise. It is often better to show encouragement and interest than give praise. For example, instead of saying “what a brilliant drawing” say “I really like this colour of blue” or “tell me about your picture”. When giving praise it is better to focus on effort, concentration and how hard the child is trying rather giving them praise for any particular talent or skill. Excessive praise can make children anxious. They may fret over whether they will be able to play as well next time and so disappoint you. What’s more a youngster can try harder but find it difficult to perform an activity more skillfully.
3. Don’t eliminate criticism but go easy with it and use constructively. Don’t say anything critical unless you can also say what they need to do differently to improve. Avoid using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ as this will sound as if they can’t change what they’re doing.
4. Keep their optimism and confidence high by teaching them how to see any problems as temporary or restricted to one or two factors which they can change. Instil the belief that their ability can get better, that they’ll progress if they work or try harder and that there are many ways to succeed.
5. Don’t skimp on giving children important lessons on what life is really like: Eg, let them know that everyone can’t be winners; and that sad though it may be, life is often tough and unfair.
6. Encourage your child to understand that they are only likely to reach their goals if they put in real effort and hard work. Dreams are fine but the reality is they must work hard to fulfill. them.
7. Don’t try to protect your children from bad feelings that result from failure, for example. Bad feelings help them grow and develop resilience. Failure is an essential part of learning.
8. Encourage children to develop empathy and relationship skills. They are not the centre of the universe and the most important thing in life is not how they feel about themselves.
9. Teach your child the skills of doing well and self-control. For example, persevering with a frustrating task, doing their homework before playing and not giving in to immediate gratification.
10. Winning and coming out on top can feel good but let your child know that good feelings that last and give meaning and purpose in life are more likely to come from doing good in the world.
Tags: child development, children, confidence, kids, parenting, positive psychology, youth
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